By the elephant
The scene opens with Germie in his red velvet chair, sitting in front of the fireplace with a steaming mug of hot chocolate. Legs crossed, caressing his pet dust mite, Germie offers me a cup of tea complete with a straw. To be clear, this straw is not of the drab ferret variety, it is of the best and finest crazy straw variety. As I use my trunk to blow bubbles into my tea, Germie opens up a box of chocolates and prepares to speak…
THE ELEPHANT: So Germie, why aren’t you drinking tea? It’s really quite lovely, especially with the sprinkled peanut shells. Delectable even! (blows more tea bubbles)
GERMIE: Gots my hot chocolate, Ellie! Dontcha know that tea is toxic to germs?
TE: Oh! You’re a germ? I thought that was just your name!
G: Yes, my name is Germie, but “that” is actually my brother’s name…
TE: Um …
G: It’s a joke Ellie, lighten up wouldja? My brother’s name is Germaine. He’s the “main” germ where we’re from, haha!
TE: Well, uh …
G: I can see this word play is too Ellie-vated for ya, here, let me deconstrunk it for the audience—
TE: (hyperventilating and on the verge of what would be a tragically destructive panic attack) No, no, no, Germie, no need for that!!!! And by ‘that’ I don’t mean your half sister! Let’s…let’s talk about you. Yeah, you and yourrr…..alleged tryst with the slippery worm.
G: Ellie, a “yoo-hoo” in a chef’s hat does not tryst make! Although I wouldn’t mind cooking up something for that dashing Annelidae!
TE: Yes, yes, although I did like him…her…?
G: I believe worms are both, Ellie.
TE: Ah, yes, of course, well, I did like The Worm, her…better once The Rabbit gave her the makeover. I do think orange was more her color—Germie!!! You keep getting me off tusk! …no, not tusk, TASK!!! Look what you’re doing to me…your word play is, is…
G: Infectious?? Anyway, nice one, Ellie. A wordsmith in the making! Quite the natural if I do say so myself. And I do.
TE: Well, isn’t that nice Germie, what a nice—ugh. Okay, okay, next question. And stop distracting me. So, how was climbing Mt. Annelid? ###$$%%!!!! I mean, Mount Everest? You did that in the winter of ’15 am I right?
G: Well, it was a trek, I’ll say that, haha, yeah a real hike, haha, one might a-summit was hard a-scent, everyone was sweating, it smelled like a hockey team’s locker room.
TE: A-summit?? A-scent?? For once I wish my ears weren’t quite so sensitive. You do realize I’m the only animal in the Tree Community who could possibly pick up your high frequency voice…
G: Yes, thank you Ellie. You are a credit to your massively-eared species. By the way, here’s a picture of me waving from the top. I look splendid.
TE: Why yes you do, Germie, that’s a good look for you. And directly afterwards you sledded down the mountain in a little less than half-an hour (a record might I add), to ring the bells at The Tree’s annual Holiday service for orphaned birdie chicks. So daring, yet kindhearted!
G: Why yes I did Ellie, yes I did, thank you for those kind words, that means a lot to me, coming from a distinguished pachyderm. Of course, I could survive a fall of 30,000 ft with my, uh, modest body mass. Although I could end up, depending on prevailing winds, in the Indian Ocean. Anyways, those orphaned chicks are just too gosh darn cute to leave in some empty, at-risk nest. They’re so cute in fact that I’d say they’re a dead (bell) ringer for you Ellie!
TE: By the way, what was the holiday?
G: It’s the celebration of the first fresh cow pie of the season. Quite the event. It starts with a line dance in the –
TE: Yes, quite the event, I’m sure, thank you Germie. And I’m flattered that you would compare me with orphaned chicks. But we all know that I look nothing like a small cute fluffy bird…I don’t even think I would want that, but your intentions were good. Say, you kind of look like one in this picture don’t you?
G: Why? Just because I have a banana peel on my head? And it’s yellow? And slightly slimey after a few days in the heat? Well….Yeah, I guess you’re right. I do look cute! Look at me wave at the camera.
TE: I thought you were shaking your fist. And who could blame you? Now you must admit, Germie, the girl found a banana your size. But cute? It looks like you’re about to pop like a fresh blueberry under all of that strain!
G: Now Ellie, be kind, I practiced that pose for hours! And might I add, let’s not forget who’s at the top of this totem…the largest most dense land mammal known to animal-kind, that’s whom.
TE: HEHEM!!! Yes quite. Largest land mammal. Mmmmhmmm. Well, it’s not our—their fault that they were born into large land mammal families. But how many of them have that kind of balance? And anyways, don’t you know that it’s not polite to speak about a lady’s weight?
G: Hey Ellie, you’re the one doin’ all the speaking. I left it as more of a “gray” area… Hey, gray! Kinda like you Ellie! Yeah, gray kinda like you.
TE: Oh stop that. Tell me…tell me about this picture then.
G: Oh, that’s me playin’ my harmonica in Horton Hears a Who—I was a Whoville extra.
TE: I love that movie! My second favorite! So you’re the one playing the harmonica! Then . . . I guess . . . “harm” your “moniker”? Haha! It’s your harmoniker!
TE: Well folks, Germie is speechless. And Ellie is on a bun!
G: You mean on a roll.
TE: Why yes I was! The honor roll in Grayed School, as a matter of fact! Bye folks! Say Germie, what do you call those big green things with the wheels and rollers and the big cannon on top that spins around?
TE: Yes, tanks to yoo hoo, too! …Ah…Ah….ACHOOOO!
G: oops…here’s a tissue Ellie.
TE: Ugh. You’re the worst… Buy forks!