The Buzz …

Here’s what ‘people’ are ‘saying’ about The Tree Talks Back!

‘Good grief.’    .  .  .  .  .  C. Brown

‘A tour de farce!’   .  .  .  .  .    Édouard Poigneés-Ciseaux

‘This book could singlehandedly set back progress on spelling and punctuation a century’   .  .  .  .  .    anomynous

‘Humbug.’    .  .  .  .  .  E. Scrooge

‘It is not clear why the majestic iris should be singled out as a flower worthy of such gratuitous violence. Simply to conform to some obscure rhyming pattern? Ridicule the very anatomical feature that earned it rock star status in the ornamental flower world? What kind of warped mind puts a radiant flower, in full bloom, suddenly finding itself perched high in a tree, a scenic view stretched out before it, but a parrot-handled pair of scissors closing in on its neck?? Flattened between the pages of a book seems merciful by comparison.’  .  .  .  .  .  Iris World

Hey y’all! Check out my blog at   AAAAIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!!!’                                 (Anonymous, as per Texas’ ‘Should have known better’ statute)

‘Much too good for children.’   .  .  .  .  .  A. Trunchbull

‘If I were stranded on a desert island, I would want this book with me. To identify edible cartoon fruits.’   .  .  .  .  .  wrapper X (check out my myspa—

What’s up with the page numbering?’   .  .  .  .  .  Gil B. Girlsby

‘Move over, Shakespeare! This dynamic duo is destined to deliver the goods in spades!’

The author’s clear failure to acknowledge the importance of aquifer recharge is troubling.’    .  .  .  .  .  Al ‘Curly’ DeShootz, Vice Chair, Water Resources Board, Soda City, TX

‘You’ll learn a lot of things you didn’t know if you read this book. For instance trees have branches, leaves, roots, trunks, canopies, overstories and understories, and can have hundreds of different plant and animal species living on, in and around them. You’ll learn that monkeys can have sudden mood swings, that a single tree can produce thousands of different kinds of fruits because of all the different kinds of leaves on it, that banana peels make stylish hats (and wear them, too!), animals can speak English, elephants can swing through trees using their trunks, some anacondas use fake storefronts with pretend ye Olde English names to lure their prey, fish mating ceremonies sometimes involve binoculars and long-handled loofa sponges, iris have tongues and worms can grow wings.’ .   .   .   .   Jenny

‘Considering the threats posed by the considerable local bird population, if worms could use basic carpentry tools, why wouldn’t they use them to build a protective shelter instead of nailing a monkey’s tail to a tree branch?’    .  .  .  .  .    Handyman’s Companion (author’s note: Those are obviously carpenter worms!)

There is something in this book for every reader, in the same sense that ketchup is a vegetable.’   The Fast Food Diners’ Guide to Children’s Poetry

‘I want one, I want one NOW!’    .  .  .  .  .    Veruca S

I speak for the trees! And this one needs more leaves. Have you never heard of photosynthesis?’    .  .  .  .  .      The Lorax

‘Who would want to read a book–a book!–with no plexiglass shower curtains, no protective gloves, no welder’s masks, no emergency tranquilizer darts–about a dumb girl with some strange superpowers who is determined to climb an enormous tree and take on the animal and plant kingdoms in a battle for nothing less than the conquest of nature? That’s like giving a cat a shower, with a fire hose, and no help!’        .  .  .  .  .   Amateur Feline Bathing

‘There are more surprises in this book than there are hairs on a monkey’s ear!      .  .  .  Simian Groomer Literary Companion

‘Unlike the fruits, the birds in this book seem to be inventions of the illustrator’s imagination. This sort of confusion is especially harmful to children, who have not yet fully grasped the subtle differences between cartoons and illustrations, or realism and parody.’  .  .  .  .  .  Irony

‘You can keep your 3D glasses in their holster. Somebody missed a real opportunity with that clock hand, though.’  .  .  .  .  .  Eye Candy

‘The trajectory of plot tension mirrors an epic struggle going on between author and illustrator for control of the story, which plays out in a series of textual and graphic reparteés, the obsequious resolution of which can only be described as … procrustean.’  .  .  .  .  .     Modern Pedantry

I coached against Billy Bucktooth back when he was a two-bit pitcher in the R-5 Little Leagues. His motion was illegal. I’m going to get those wins vacated if I have to be reincarnated as a three-toed sloth in their next book and run for baseball commissioner.’  .  .  .  .  .  Don ‘Festus’ Goober

‘Don’t set your watch by this book–you’ll be early, late, miss appointments, meals, forget the year, drive past your exit, vote in an election, purchase age-defying rejuvenating exfoliate, crave paint chips, shave crop circles into your scalp, there’s something very wrong with this girl’s internal clock’              .  .  .  .  .   Time

Okay. The high number of birds with duckbills in this book is unfortunate, but good for the duck brand. Some of us that fly aren’t happy that the ostrich ended up on a high branch making snide comments. But a bird trying to catch a worm–with three to choose from–with a knife and fork, well it’s insulting.    .   .  .  .  The Owl (in the knot hole, page tree)

‘The problem with this generation is they simply don’t understand when they’ve crossed the line between good fun and poor taste.’    .  .  .    Luxury Cigar Maniac

‘The animals in this book are all neurotic. They probably came from zoos.’ .  .  .  Young Readers’ Guide to Captive Animal Behavior Disorders

‘Don’t waste your money on the gluten-free edition.’ .  .  .  .  .  McGarrett F.

‘This book is the ideal gift for reading circles, extended families, all elementary school students, NFL tailgate parties, or small armies.’ .  .  .  .  .  Paperback Liquidators, LLC

The monkey and parrot clearly represent the failure of establishment politicians to take concrete action on reducing carbon emissions.’   .  .  .  .  .          Annals of Climate Change Alarmism

‘The girl’s distorted references to the hour, and her episodic morphological transformations, suggest some sort of break with the time-space continuum.’      .  .  .  .  Home Shopping Channel

We like the stretchy stuff and the size changes, but the girl needs more superpowers!’   .  .  .  .  . Bubbles, Blossom and Buttercup

‘This book is nothing more than a series of tired clichés, including the oldest trick of all: Using a highly evolved and ordered colony of social insects in imminent peril as a literary device to illustrate the force of gravity as a metaphor for unsustainable Western Consumerism.’  .  .  .  .  .  Exterminator Quarterly

‘The author’s transparent and pathetic plea for biodiversity preservation flies in the face of the sacred freedoms our forefathers colonized the Indians to secure.’  .  .  .  .  .   Property Rights Enthusiast

‘Bravo! This book celebrates quite literally the fruits borne from freedom, free markets, and the sanctity of private property.’  .  .  .  .  .   Monster Truck Connoisseur

‘The book’s ‘Live and Let Live’ philosophy does a disservice to young children and newborns who would stand to benefit from a cash value life insurance product, by emphasizing the human character’s ‘take all the fruits now’ message and featuring animal characters who (naturally) would enjoy reduced benefits and pay higher premiums due to lower life expectancies.’  .  .  .  .  .    Crossword Puzzles & Actuarial Tables 4 Kids

‘Personally, I like the website better.  ‘  .  .  .  .  .   Charlotte

‘This story hearkens back to an earlier time, when humans were using stone tools and living in trees. Or reading books.’ .  .  .  .  .  Paleontology Today

‘Sum of the animuls in this buk are being rongly portraid as tree-dwellers. I’m aggenst it!’  .  .  .  .  .     Da Munky

‘This book is (one day, in the distant future, on some remote planetary outpost in the solar system) destined to become a cult classic.’  .  .  .  .  .  Space Station Library Digest