By the Elephant
Today we meet with The Ferret who has recently left the corn field to live in the bustling metropolis that we all know of as The Tree. He doesn’t provide finger food as did The Parrot and The Monkey, but he does wedge a piece of straw in my mouth to chew on. It is rather dry and fibrous, not delectable at all, however as my boss at my first job out of college used to say, “Get up on that stool!” Or maybe it was “The show must go on!” We sit and we chat about Ferret’s adventures in the “Big City”.
The Elephant: So Ferret, what made you decide to uproot yourself from your home in the corn field and come live up here?
The Ferret: Well Elephant, Ahz akshully from one o’ them domestic homes. Ah used to live in a cage in a girl’s house, ah think ah wuz called a pet? Anyways, she done freed me in a corn field once her parents bought her Annie-the-Conda. That wuz right nice of her, I’ll tell ya that. A cage ain’t no place for a ferret, no sirree.
TE: But why leave the corn field? What was it about this place that really spoke to you?
TF: Har har!!! Well, hee hee, ah’ll sure tell ya, that there Parrot spoke to me a lot. He speaks to everybody and her cuzin. A lot. He sure’s got a lot to say. But I think you meant to ask why I moved here? Short answer iz uncooked corn is for cows ah tell ya, and I’ve got a mouth full o’ sweet teeth and a soft spot fer bananas.
TE: That’s as good of a reason as any I suppose. There was a cow around here, maybe looking for a corn field …. But yes, tell me about your weakness for bananas, why don’t you tell me a little bit about your bed?
TF: Well, Elephant, I don’t rightly understand why yer askin’ me this when you know perfectly well that mah new hammock is a banana peel. Don’tcha remember me showin’ ya? Right when yew walked in that there door an’ ya askt me ta show ya mah place? Had a bad nightmare in that there hammock once, though. Creature with big black eyes, just a-starin’ at me, it was!
TE: Yes, well, of course I remember the hammock, Ferret! I just thought our readers would like to hear a little about you’re a-peel-ing bed, haha!
TF: Good one, Ellie! Yeah, it’s served me well over the years.
TE: Wait, didn’t you just move here a couple of months ago?
TF: I’m sorry ta say this Elephant but ya gotta squeaky-clean out yer ears! Of course I moved out here two months ago, I waz tellin’ ya ‘bout it when you wuz lookin’ at mah hammock.
TE: Yes, yes, of course… Um…my apologies. Anyway, tell us a little about your old jobs, it’s always nice to figure out how a celebrity such as yourself got where he is now.
TF: Celebrity, huh? Well shucks! Ah kin speak to that! Mah first job was cleanin’ the pool at that girl’s house. Ah akchully think she called it a fish tank, but as long as yer wearin the ‘propriate swim trunks, a little dip after work was allowed fer the pool boys. Ah cleaned it with a cane cuz that’s all she had. Ah akshully think she freed the fish too once Annie-the-Conda came ‘round. Freed ‘em right into that there pond she did! The one with the waterfall.
TE: So we got “pool boy” on your list of jobs? Was that before or after she freed you from your cage?
TF: Huh? A cage?
TE: Yes Ferret, you said you lived in a cage.
TF: Ah did? Well shucks, that’s turrible! Back to the jobs question. Nuthin’ at the house, but in the cornfield ah panhandled a bit, played mah fiddle for money and scraps of food. I even worked in the cornfield, pullin’ weeds when they popped up. I akshully met a worm there who wuz doin’ the same thing, we talked about movin’ to The Tree, but then ah never heard from him again. Wonder what happened ta that fellah. It’s like he just up and flew away er sumthin’.
TE: Hmm, intriguing. Do continue.
TF: Well there’s one more thing, I s’pose. Ah werked fer an ostrich who owned a company that offered cheap flights on bird-back. Ah wuz one o’ them aircraft marshals with the orange vest, ear protekters, and those orange signal doohickeys that look like big rectangular popsicles.
TE: You mean semaphore?
TF: Send me four whut?
TF: Ah hafta say, ah looked reeel good in a uniform.
TE: A jack-of-all trades I see. Is there anything you haven’t done?
TF: Well, I’ve never solo danced at a beach discotheque. Ah sure hope that someday The Parrot an’ The Monkey invite me. That would be sumthin’. Really sumthin’. Ah would even wear mah fancy air-marshal uniform!
TE: I’m sure that once they read this they’ll invite you along, they seem like….reasonable…well, maybe not reasonable. Grounded? No… They seem like……nice animals, wouldn’t you say?
TF: Oh yeah, like Ahs said, The Parrot talks mah ear off, if that ain’t friendly then Ah surely don’t know what eeiz. And the Monkey gave me a manicure the other day. Mah claws never looked so good.
TE: Oh yes! Just yesterday The Monkey painted my toenail. Heart o’ gold under that grumpy exterior. Well, I’m afraid that’s all the time we have, but it was nice chatting with you Ferret.
TF: Awwww shucks Elephant, that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said ta me. Here, have another straw ta chew on.
TE: So Ferret, I have to ask you. This girl, with the pet named Annie-the-Conda. She sounds, well, somewhat familiar.
TF: You know ‘er?
TE: Well, on page monkey, and then page bat—of the book in which you play a starring role—
TF: Well I reckon that’s right nice o’ ya, Ellie!
TE: Yes. Anyway, is that the same girl who climbed The Tree?
TF: That girl?? What made ya think that?
TE: Well you mentioned the girl and the house, and she had a pet named Annie-the-Conda …
TF: Oh, I musta made it up. Ya know, I been so busy with this Cardboard Offset Viscous World Tour thing …. got mah head spinnin’. Musta mixed it up with the book.
TE: Ah, so you’re a method actor!
TE: Well Ferret, your generosity and homespun hospitality is sorely lacking in these uncertain times… Folks, enjoy your straws (note to self: MUST FIND PEANUT ASAP) and we’ll catch you at the next installment! Bye!